I'm Baaaackkkk

Yup it's been a while, and I have some excuses but they only extend up until two weeks ago. As of the first of the year, I have no excuse for not being here other than procrastination.

Today's entry, at least this one right here, is gonna be a short one because I'm in HELL. H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS.

I've awakened every day for the past ten days or so with a headache. Today is the worst so far. Aside from being painful, it's exhausting, and defeating. Eventually you just wanna give up, but...give up what? Blah.

Here's why:

I've been on a medication for 20 years. I used to take high amounts of it, but over time it has been reduced. It's no longer serving any function for me and I take a different medication in it's place that is more effective and has less side effects. The problem? This drug has wrapped itself around my nerve center and coming off it is brutal. For a long time I was on a dose that was low enough not to "do" anything for me, except stop me from getting sick from withdrawl. But now I'm trying to get rid of it entirely. Oh Dear Gawd.

So every other night, I don't take it. And every day I wake up with a headache...but every OTHER day I am nauseated. I'm anxious. Stress builds within me until it feels as if my head is going to explode. You know what an overfilled balloon is like when it finally goes? Well, that's what it's going to be like with me! One of these days....and I shake beyond belief. I actually use myself for entertainment. When I start shaking this badly, I simply serve peas for dinner, then watch myself attempt to eat them with a fork.......

I'm sick.

This post is for every person who thinks that "drugs" are the answer. Sometimes they are. I take a bunch...but let me tell you, explore other options; make sure there are no other ways of dealing with your problem before you have to take a drug that's going to screw you up the way this one has screwed me up.

The name of this vicious, vile, abhorrent drug: Elavil. Generic name? Amitriptyline. When you take it, it's a piece of cake, at least it was for me. Gave me a dry mouth and caused weight gain, but all in all was a pretty benign drug used to control migraine. But coming off this bastard is a whole different ball game. At one point I was taking 150 mg nightly. I was a zombie. For the past three years, I have been taking 50 mg, and have gradually reduced it to 10 mg in an effort to get off it. TEN FREAKIN' MILLIGRAMS and it's MAKING ME SICK to get off. This is just...nuts.

Why did I choose to write about this today? Because I don't know what to do. There's nothing to fix it, short of staying on it for the rest of my life, and I hate taking pills. Getting rid of one is always a bonus. I just needed to vent, and I have so many other things waiting in the wings to vent about but shit, here I sit, head pounding, hands shaking, crying my freakin' head off, writing about TEN MILLIGRAMS OF ELAVIL.