Day Two Crazies

For some reason, I find the shower a place of solace. When things are really at their worst, and I'm in the shower, I'm loathe to get out. But put me in an elevator, or in a crowd, or any tight space, and I'll flip like a Big Mac at the Golden Arches. Go figure.

I stood there last night, and let the water stream against my neck and let random thoughts flow through my brain. I didn't bother trying to figure them out. Later, I leaned my forehead against the cool tile with the towel wrapped around my shoulders. As usual, tears flow in frustration because I simply don't have any idea WHY things change when they do, or how to stave it off. And still, the rock is in my chest and the mania is rising.

Today isn't a lot better. I gave in and took the pills. Things seemed a bit better this morning, but if I take any more I'll be asleep. It's hard to lead a normal life while you're asleep. Had I taken the pills over the past two weeks the way I should have been, my body would have been adjusted to them, and this more than likely wouldn't happen. Gee, who do you blame?

I'm so angry. Mania is supposed to be fun, but dammit, I missed that whole "hypomania energy" fun thing. I'm just pissed. I'm pissed at everyone and everything because there's a way to help me and I can't get to it. It's dangling just outside my reach. However it would be better to let it go and just forget about it because it's simply not going to happen. Unfortunately for me, I'm not thinking all that clearly right now.

I'm splitting.

For those "not in the know", I'm making things "black and white". This is such a bad thing for me to do. It means I'm looking at people as either "completely good" or "completely bad". My family is not responsible for this but I feel desperate for someone to blame! So in my head, the battle rages: rather than let it go, rather than spin off, I just withdraw~sit in silence, pull it in, go away. Go away, go away, go away. I have to. That's the closest that I can come to saving them~at least for today.