Now What?
What do you do when there's nothing left to do? When the fatigue of fighting sets in on your shoulders with a weight you no longer feel you can carry? What happens when the battle raging in your mind is just too tiresome to continue, and besides, you're just not getting anywhere, anyway? It just goes 'round and 'round and 'round...
The obvious is not an option, nor is it an option I seek. But I'm tired and I'm losing the will to fight the illness that's creeping in. I hate that there are more bad days than good and I hear the cry from the plaintive child within: "I don't understand!"
There were times in the past when things got bad that I'd "slip away" from reality. It was a retreat from the everyday onslaught that allowed some respite, if only for a while. I feel it now, that slide, and I fight it. It doesn't seem fair to my family to be Missing In Action, although the "me" they get doesn't seem much good either.
I'm fighting that urge now: each day, each night, trying to stay *here* in some way, when it would be so much easier to just let go and disappear, just for a while. Sleep no longer brings the rest I need, but it does give me welcome relief from the daytime nightmares I live with these days.
I guess I'll take it.
posted by Meggy @ 6:20 PM
2 Comments:
Ok Bo. Can we talk? Now being that I am a self proclaimed emotionally healthy person, I am going to put my two cents in and yell at you now. First of all, get a hotel somewhere and take three days to yourself. Don't have the money? Tuff, borrow it or sell something. Fighting not to leave is silly. LEAVE. Everyone deserves that. Hell, I take more time away than most but I think that is why I am healthier than most. As a person you get to be by yourself to regroup every now and than. Only YOU know how often you need it, and man, do you need it now! Secondly, throw the little tart out. She is upsetting you, she is upsetting your home which is supposed to be your santuary. So, son will be pissed. He'll friggin get over it. SHE isn't your problem she isn't your kid and from what I read, she is walking all over you. Remember, people can't walk all over you unless you let them and geez, she has her hoof prints all over your back. GET HER OUT. Want help? Give me your address and I will have a big bon fire of her shit on your front lawn and let you roast marshmellows.
This shit is eating you alive. Your shrink sucks if he isn't empowering you to take back your life.
My bills in the mail.
45 minutes isn't a lot of time to spend with the shrink, but he's actually very good. I alternately like/hate him.
His suggestions for taking back my life encompass many different areas. His suggestion awhile back was to have her move out; but once he realized that it wasn't likely to happen, he started changing to alternate ideas. It all sickens me. But there's a LOT to be covered each time I see him, and because he's as popular as he is, I don't *always* get to see him weekly. He lectures at a couple universities in different countries as well as here.
To my credit, I got him worked up enough to hear him curse last week. :P
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