Up, Up, And Away ...
My husband and I decided yesterday that I should probably be medicating myself during the day.
I hate medicating myself during the day. The current med of choice slows my metabolism to a crawl, makes it difficult to sweat (and it's hotter than hell's basement here right now) and generates the ability to fall asleep while carrying on a conversation and driving. Consequently, I hate the drug and resist taking it unless I'm either heading to bed, or am in mood swings so wild that I'm in danger of physically attacking someone who might potentially shoot me.
I am wired. I've been wired for days. It doesn't really bother me for the most part, except when someone irritates me. Other than that, I'm quite happy. Having this much energy is uplifting to say the least, and I'm currently just taking a break from giving our bathroom a much-needed thorough cleaning. Of course I talk non-stop when ever anyone is in the same room, which is a bit tiring, and I'm horny as a seven-peckered billy goat, but that doesn't really bother the man I live with. So what's the down side?
The down side is that as fast as I go UP, I go DOWN. The slightest irritant sets me off like a cruise missile. Someone passes us on the road and I immediately want to hit the gas, catch up and flip 'em off. I can rant and rave about it for twenty minutes. An idiot blocking an intersection is fodder for another 20-minute dissertation on the idiocy of California drivers. Go ahead and say 'no' to me about something and see how pleasant I am for the remainder of the day. Calming down is difficult, to say the least. Or, rather, it's difficult without the meds. All I have to do is pop that little brown pill.
But I hate that damned thing! I have to fight to keep my wits about me; being sleepy in the middle of the day is irritating. I LIKE wanting to clean and rush around. This is GREAT. Mania is my FRIEND, and it won't last. I also know that it will peak, and when it does it will be ugly as it tends to end in violence and rage. But for now, it's nice, and the brown pill will take the edge off and ruin it, dammit. I could run ... right now. I could just go run and run and run.
Even in rereading this post, I can tell the difference between my mindset here, and the mindset of a few days ago. I'm scattered and all over the place. But honestly, I just don't care.
Maybe I can wait one more day ... but I probably shouldn't drive.
Bo
posted by Meggy @ 12:33 PM
3 Comments:
I read almost every day, but don't comment often. Why, I can't really say, most of the time, it's because I don't feel I have anything of value to say, so I say nothing.
What's that famous saying?
'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." ; )
I know it is so hard to give up the mania. I know how good you feel and you aren't thinking of the crash that will follow. However, allow those that love you to give you their insight and good advice.
I would ask about other meds however if it makes you sleepy. I don't think that should happen.
Yeah, it totally sounds like your manic right now. I get the rage, too - and when I'm that way, if someone doesn't hand me my bag when I check out at the store, Watch out! (seriously) What I've learned, though, that however high I get, it will directly reflect how low I crash. So if I let myself get too manic, I will crash just as hard and be as low as I was high. It put me in the hospital for depression. Sounds like you've recognized what's going on - most people don't!
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