Up The Down Staircase

There is nothing quite so entertaining as watching someone fuck with the head of a borderline in crisis. Actually, to say it's entertaining is an understatement.

Remember wayyy back when, in the 1920's, the circus was in town and for a nickle you could go through the curtain and see the woman with a beard, or a two-headed man, or the midget who married the giant? That's what it's like for me these days: meet the woman with the beard~the beard being BPD.

I do believe, in all seriousness, that you CAN mess with someone's head and not do it intentionally. Such is the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder. What can be a normal struggle between two married adults turns into a tumultuous, tempestuous battle with no end when a borderline is involved. What's odd is that for me, I'm on the outside looking in, watching it all play out, and am powerless to stop it. At least right now.

There are stages in a borderline's life when he/she's not thinking as straight as at other times. It becomes a chicken/egg situation: did the inability to think straight come as a result of the circumstances, or did the circumstances come about as a result of the inability to think straight? Regardless, here I sit, contemplating the maelstrom in my mind as I fight for all I hold dear, and seeing it going straight down the toilet in a borderline mess. Why can't I stop it? Why can't I turn off the twisted thinking and fix things the way I need to, to turn things around and get back on track? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!

I don't think I've ever been so frustrated for so long.

And so it goes, on and on, round and round. The other half of the equation doesn't understand why we can't progress past where we are, and I can't explain it in any way that makes any sense. Despite protests that none is intended, the hurt feels so terribly real. What do you do when that happens?

At some point, it's going to stop, I think. My mind will clear, like a lake when the wind stops blowing, and all the mud sinks and you can see through to the bottom. I'll be able to deal with this crisis in a more rational manner, and life will resume a more normal pace. The question then becomes: what will remain?