Spectacular Destruction .... Is There Anything Else?

Ya, ya, I know, it has been a while. So screw me. I have been doing othe things, believe it or not. One of the things I would like to do is figure out how to turn the goddamned search off at the bottom of my post that will not allow me to post a fucking contraction within a post but must type out both words, because each time I type an apostrophe, the box at the bottom comes up and it searches. Stupid piece of shit.

After a fake step towards sanity, where I had a brief two months of what I consider to be semi-normalcy due to the addition of yet another mood stabilizer, my mind has taken a new leap into the unknown. It has been coming on for quite some time, but this time is much worse, as I discovered today when I learned that I had to potentially attend a meeting alone that I had thought I would go to with my husband. It is a large meeting, full of mostly people I do not know. We share a common interest: that is the extent of it.

When my husband emailed me and said, "I will meet you there", instead of, "I will come home and get you", my head imploded. I could not think or speak coherently. I experienced panic like nothing in a long, long time. WHY? I do not know. I can only imagine that it is something akin to the illnesses people get when they can no longer go outside their own homes ... what do they call that again? I cannot remember. So I sat here and panicked, then fell apart in the most spectacular of ways, all snot and tears streaming everywhere, crying and gnashing of teeth, striding around the house, pacing back and forth. I immediately recognized that this was a medical emergency (yes, I was in danger: from myself) and medicated.

When I calmed enough to think, I just got angrier and angrier. Where the hell am I? Where has my life gone? When did this happen to me? I do not understand how a perfectly normal person can continue to get sicker and sicker over the course of the years, while taking the medication that is supposed to stop it.

And it continued. Later on, I discovered I had to change to google to use my blog. I have tried google for things before and am not enamored of it. I LOST IT, PEOPLE. I LOST IT. I screamed profanities like a Turkish sailor, I slammed my hands on the computer, I stared at it, I tried to read the page and could not, and did everything in my power to avoid what I could not: I did not want to change the way I had done things successfully for so long. Why? Unmitigated terror. Terror like you cannot imagine. Terror of the unknown. Terror of what I cannot do. Terror that I am stupid. Terror like death.

I ripped at my skin, pulled at my clothing, wished I could go cut, cut, cut. I cannot. I am cut-free for four months and am trying desperately not to use that outlet. Ignore the booze. What the hell is left?

Back to the bottle of pills, medicate, sedate ....

And try to get myself to that stupid meeting ~ full of fear.