Sneaking Back In, Thoroughly Ashamed

It's been so long since I actually blogged on here, I'm not sure I should even been doing it. But I have a grave need to write something down ~ to get out some of the feelings that are churning away at my innards. I'm hoping that getting them down on paper (so to speak) will help me feel better, although they have to be done before the select group of drugs I've taken do their job and knock me on my ass I ~need that. I need to be unconscious for a while to escape the pain and confusion I'm experiencing right now as I try to decide what to do with my life and my marriage.

I've been in this situation before ~ exactly here before~ sitting on a sofa, curled up in a ball, staring out a window and trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. Trying desperately to figure out what I'm going to do to carry on with the next month, year, ten years, when I don't have a job. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of a marriage where the man I'm with says he loves me but I am so bad for him ~ no, we are so bad for each other ~ that we are destroying each other's mental health. I am sitting and trying to desperately figure out where I'll go and how I will feed myself and put a roof over my head without causing him any financial hardship because he doesn't deserve it.

We are two good people, with issues in our lives that create chaos. Neither of us deserve this chaos . For the most part, neither of us knows when this chaos will rear it's nasty head. Today, yesterday, the chaos came from him. It could just as easily come from me. More often than not it does come from me. However, more and more often these days it's coming from him. And that throws me off because I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes he shares with me what's going on and I'll help him in anyway I can. Other days, like last night, it's entirely different. I knew he was tired, but I was chipper and was hoping my chipper attitude would eventually rub off on him as it was a Friday night. I'm not sure what he was thinking. Maybe he was thinking that he was going to be required to, "do something" he didn't want to do but very early on in the evening he simply disappeared. 

"I am going to bed. I am exhausted." 

And he was gone. Now for the vast majority of folks that wouldn't see out of the ordinary except it was for US. It was 8:45pm which was unusual in itself, and he didn't ask me to come upstairs with my laptop which was alarming. I asked if I should come up to watch tv in our bedroom and my very short, curt answer was, "if you can keep it low enough." That stung, as I have always, alwasy been careful to keep the  tv low enough not to bother him, and turn the lights off so that he could sleep should he need to. I took his answers to mean he really didn't want me in there and would rather be alone. I made one quick trip into the bedroom to grab some warmer clothing, my medications, and came out, said good night and closed the door. He said nothing. I have not spoken to him since and it is now 4:45pm the following afternoon. I did join him in bed around 12:30am for the night and got up around 8am. I went out and bought some groceries, leaving him a note, should he get up and wonder where I was.Oh, he did leave me a note that night saying he was sorry if he hurt my feelings. That was that.

Today, he is still in bed. I know he suffers Generalizd Anxiety Disorder, and his note said he was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. When he says he's exhausted mentally, that leads straight to me. We had had a couple of rather interesting nights in there (good nights) and yes they were tiring, but we both loved them (so I thought!). He knew when he came home on Friday that I was still excited and it just seemed like this was his way of shutting me down. I would have feel better had he just talked to me about it, rather than going to sleep for two days. I have no idea what's going on with him, how he feels, how I feel, or how much of this pertains to my behaviour, if any. 

All I can see is that I can't see how our marriage can work like this forever. I can't imagine myself sitting here crying day after day wondering if he's going to sleep or come down sometime during the day and say, "gee, I'm ok now".  Or should I just sit here at the house and cry with him, ruining the entire weekend, which I LIVE FOR, waiting for him to come down at some point and say, "lets go out?" I spend my week inside the house, living for my time with him on the weekends and weeknights. Anything that takes it away from me really hits me hard.

Mostly I just want to cry. We live a DD lifestyle, and he's in charge. I don't dare do too much that I know will irritate him because when he's feeling better it will come back to haunt me. Right now I want to rip this collar off my neck and leave it sitting on the coffee table because while he's up there sleeping, it doesn't seem to mean much. It means so much when he's with me and being strong, but when he's not, it's just ... leather and chain.

I know he's suffering. But what I haven't figured out is how much of his suffering is caused by ME. Maybe he's suffering because he's living with a whacked out bipolar borderline bitch. If I lived back in Canada, maybe I could get a job, get my life back together and let him get his back together, too. I don't want to take him for all his money.I just want him to be strong and healthy and since I came into his life, he seems less strong and healthy than he was before. Plus now that his kids are older, they want more time with him but they don't want time with me, so if I weren't around, they would spent more time with him, too. So would his parents, since his dad doesn't think I'm anything more than a waste of space.

All I want to do right this second is cut. Cut Cut Cut. It would feel soo good but the only thing stopping me is that my cutting kit is upstairs in the bathroom off the bedroom where he's sleeping and I don't want to wake him up. Catch-22. I suppose I could go cheap and use bottled wine for alcohol, paper towels and just a butcher knife ....

I am just so lost .