Sadness and Fear

I have a headache. This in itself is nothing new. But tomorrow is a big day for me and I have no time for a headache. I'm medicating and praying for it to disappear. This is all an aside to what I actually plan on writing about, which is far more interesting than me bitching about myself. Wait ~ isn't that the definition of a blog?

I don't know when it happened, exactly. It could have been gradual, or it could have come slamming down like a meteor, but things in my relationship have changed dramatically. According to my therapist (whom I generally respect), ALL relationships change as time passes. It's growth. Well, if you don't like the direction it's going, is it still growth? He (the therapist) says yes, and I need to learn to adapt. I say Fuck That Shit, how do I get it back to the way I had it before?

There's no question I'm needy. But is it needy to want your spouse to want you? Is it needy to want your significant other to come home and look at you with lust and passion, rather than be making  joking comments that seem less than sincere? I have an extremely high sex drive: I know this. We made a great team because we positively burned together. We were FREAKS. But over the past year, things have changed: I'm his friend. I know he loves me. But dammit, I want him to want me!

The past few weeks have been the hardest because I had this mental meltdown that left me incarcerated in the Rubber Room Regency for around a week. I know it really threw him for a loop, and he's a bit unsure of himself with me. He doesn't know exactly how to act around me, and he's frightened of any behaviour that deviates from the norm. This is very stressful for him, but aside from that, he has his own mental health issues to deal with; once he realized that I was relatively stable, he crashed. The unfortunate part of all this is that I am not healthy enough to fully take care of him in the way I would like to. So both of us are just out here on our own, trying to make it. On top of that, I'm resentful of the lack of passion I'm trying to adjust to, and the worst of it all ...

I am really, really not healthy.

The time in the Rubber Room Regency managed to do nothing except piss me off, although I imagine I'm less dangerous at this time than I was then. However my moods are all over the place, and maybe that's part of the problem with my lover? Has he just had enough? Each day I go out to Day Classes, and while some of it is helpful, it's also frustrating beyond belief because I have to deal with other people, some of whom are positively bananas. I've met two people I quite like, but I also know that I am brilliant at blowing relationships, so I don't expect the friendships to last.

This post has gone everywhere but where it should. I'm frustrated, sad, frightened and confused. I wish this was a topic I could bring up for discussion at Crazy Class, but somehow I think they'd disaprove ...