So Now What?
I have to admit that having the kids more or less move out has left me with an empty spot in my blogability. It's rather shameful, and rather humbling. I'd like to think that my mind and my life are made up of more than just the sum of wretched moments given to me by a wicked redhead and My Son The Penis. Is that insulting? I guess it is, but it's how I've come to see him when he's with her. When he's on his own, he does show bits of the old kid, the one I used to know. But it's hard to find him, and harder to keep him there.
So right now I'm stuck in "finding me" mode. Of course this is what teenagers marooned in various stages of angst generally do, but since I've spent my entire life 'doing' for children, suddenly I find I'm sitting here without any, and I have no clue what my next move should be. Everything in me screams, "GET IN THE CAR AND GET THEE HENCE TO THE UNIVERSITY! HIS ROOM WILL NEED CLEANING!" Of course I didn't clean it when he was at home, but I want him to make a good impression on his roommates and THEIR mothers! I'm sure you all understand.
What do I do now?
This is the common denominator of stay-at-home mothers. Some are decidedly better at this than others, having been the queens of home-made muffins with icing, personalized cookies, and pencil boxes decorated with dyed macaroni and sequins. Those mothers are ALWAYS the organizers of the carpools, and the room moms. I hated them. Sorry. Hey, it's not like I didn't pull my weight. But there was something so ... holier-than-thou about them; about the way they looked when they realized that YOUR cupcakes had come from Safeway ... screw you, Betty Crocker.
Don't get me wrong. I did my fair share. There were the homemade cookies, homemade meals, and I never missed a performance of anything my kids did. Sometimes it meant I was speeding from one event to another in the same evening to make sure I got it all in. Sometimes, I found myself doing it for three. But it was what I knew, and what I loved.
Through their teenage years, I was more involved. I didn't just GO to their events, I took part. I coached. Every one of my kids benefitted from my knowledge in some way. Their dad didn't. He was busy developing his social life after our divorce. Amazing how that works, isn't it? One parent makes the kids a priority, one makes his life his priority. Anyway, we scrimped, we saved, we did without, but all the kids managed to get all of what they needed throughout their early teenage years. One kid got training at a high level, with a bunch of expensive equipment that we couldn't afford. He still thanks me for it.
It's not so difficult to afford now, and it's only one kid. I stayed with it through high school, and in extracurricular activities. I'm that kind of parent. But the time is fast running out when I'll have anything to do with him in any real way. And I'm very concerned about what I'll look FORWARD to.
You see, I'm one of those people. I live my life looking forward to things. If it's Monday, I'm looking foward to Tuesday, which is game day. If it's Tuesday night, I'm looking forwad to Thursday, which is practice day. If it's Thursday, I'm looking forward to Friday, which is the beginning of the weekend. Why don't we just live for the day? Why don't we live in the existence we have? Aren't we sinning in some way by refusing to relish the day, the time, we have in front of us? Ya, I know. But I need to be reprogrammed.
My life has been made up of crisis after crisis revolving around the LRHM and our family. Suddenly, that's been set on a back burner, and I have to get the hell up and find a life. Since I still haven't really got any friends here, this is decidedly difficult. Once sports are finished, it's more difficult.
My last child is gone, and I am ashamed of how much the LRHM had taken over my life; I'm terrified of where my life is going to go now. It's too much to expect my husband to entertain me: he has his own life, and his job. This is something I need to deal with on my own. But holy shit, I sure have no clue where this going. And I'm surely open to suggestions.
posted by Meggy @ 7:05 PM
1 Comments:
I don't have any suggestions. I just wanted to say that I can totally relate. I've been at home for 17 years now and my almost 12 year old daughter that's been home since she was born is going to start attending public school next month (if all goes as planned). My 18 year old son is going to have some requirements put in place...ones such as he has to be out every day looking for a job and doing volunteer work, working or going to some kind of secondary school. For quite some time he's not done much but sleep, eat, get on his computer, have his girlfriend over and do a little running around to hang out with friends. My inhome childcare business may be coming to an end in a few months. So with both of my children gone most of the day and no more childcare, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I don't even know who I am without my kids and other people's kids. I don't really have any friends here, like your husband mine has his own job and life, I can't expect him to fulfill this void. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. I feel like at 44 years old I should be more of an adult but I feel like in some ways that I'm having to grow up, become my own person and it's scary to me at times.
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