Shooting Blanks

How many times can you get shot dead before it takes?

I don't know, but I'm afraid I'm becoming an expert, and it's damned unpleasant. Fortunately (?) for me, it's always at night, and it's always when I'm asleep, and only in my head. UNfortunately, this doesn't particularly make sleep restful for me.

Last night's nightmares were slightly different than the standard. There's a story that makes no sense, then at the end of it, I die. The difference? Last night I died twice. How do ya like THEM apples? Anyone who tells you that you awaken before you actually die hasn't been in my dreams.

Picture yourself running through a fairgrounds of sorts, with a pregnant woman and her husband (an older fellow), trying to protect them. At one point, you get shot in the ear, but while that seems minor, there's a major artery there that is spurting blood. You hold a piece of your shirt over it, and if you stand still you can make it stop bleeding. Unfortunately, whoever is coming after you doesn't STOP. So away you go, and as soon as you start running, the blood starts spurting again. You're headed towards a hospital, if you can make it, because the woman is destined to give birth. As you get closer, the spurting increases, over and over. Suddenly, you get shot AGAIN, this time in the chest. You hit the ground, but what's odd is that you don't feel it. This can't be good. You get back up, and stagger forward, seeing the hospital in the distance, knowing you just NEED to see this child born. Suddenly there are two pregnant women, plus some kid you coach in soccer. As you approach the parking lot of the hospital, you're unable to continue, and everything goes black. Death overcomes you.

BUT ... for whatever reason, you get a second chance at life. This is NOT regaining consciousness. It's second life. The bullet wounds are gone, and the women are in the hospital, both giving birth. I'm standing in the roadway, about to enter the hospital where I can check out the little tykes I've worked so hard to protect, and suddenly ....

WHAM!!!!!

Hit by a car, and dead again. Son of a bitch.

How's YOUR morning?

Meggy

Partners in Crime

It's been a while, hasn't it folks? Well, Christmas does that. I had company for a while. My eldest son was here, and what a rush! I do adore that boy, although at times it's like looking in a mirror with a testosterone cover. GO BOY! We shopped, we drove, we drove more, we shopped more. That kid spends money like he's got unlimited funds. Of course given that his credit score is substantially better than ours, why the hell shouldn't he?

Things have changed significantly for me. It's either the new medication (Abilify), or my relationship with my husband, or both, but I haven't felt this stable for this long in ... well, ages! It's been two weeks and I feel like a NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. How cool is that? NORMAL. For those of you who LIVE normal, this is not a big deal. For me, normal is BIG. HUGE. ENORMOUS.

It's big enough that I may ask the psychiatrist to up the dosage on the Abilify when I see her on Thursday. Although it galls me, that's what I have to do. I seem to have adapted to it somewhat, and the headaches are lessening. YAY.

My husband has taken a concrete role in our relationship again, and that helps immensely as well. It's something I've never discussed here, mostly because no one would understand it. But I need, desperately need, my husband to be a strong, bossy, take-charge-type of husband. He can tell me what to do, and I'll do it. You want to call me a subbie? Go ahead. I'm not, but go ahead and label it if you need to. I consider it being a considerate wife, as I make every effort to do the things that make our home a warm, friendly, comfortable environment for him. In return, he takes on many of the stresses of the day, monitoring my behaviour to a certain degree, and setting out boundaries for me. What does it do? it makes me feel secure and loved. Because I have BPD and Bipolar Disorder, I really need that. The more I get it, the more I can give in return.

But in all honesty, that's not an easy thing to ask of another human being. While some find it easy to be that bossy, others say it's tantamount to, "parenting" their wives. I call bullshit. Ya don't make love to your kids (well you sure as shit shouldn't). And your kids don't serve you (as much as you'd like them to). It's a symbiotic relationship, and it's working wonderfully so far.

Here's hoping it will last ~ at least til my next spectacular crash.